A Matter of Perspective
I realized something while talking with my therapist this week. We were talking about my motivations for transitioning, and how I felt about the transition thus far, as well as looking into the future.
I started to say, “The transition has never been about moving away from something, it’s been about moving toward something.” But that’s really not true – for much of my time transitioning, the idea of being a woman seemed so impossible, so far away, that I wasn’t really moving toward it with any expectation of it really happening. Rather, I was so miserable where I was that the mere glimmer of hope around the concept of transitioning seemed worth it. (I still sometimes feel that way, but less so than I used to.)
And so each step forward was another round of the same process: “I’m scared about (going back into therapy/going on hormones/living part time as Rebecca/living full time as Rebecca), but I’m so miserable now that anything would make me less miserable.” I wasn’t moving toward something at all; I was moving away from misery.
And yet, that’s not where I am anymore. And I didn’t even notice the change.
I realized, as I was talking to my therapist, that I’m no longer simply moving away from being unhappy – I’m moving toward an identity that makes me happy. It’s perhaps simply a difference in perspective, but I was really surprised to hear myself say it.
Themocracy
This makes me really happy. You are so strong and intelligent.
Awwwww shux. You’re making me blush!
God, this post brings back a lot of emotions from the time when I transitioned. For me, transitioning was certainly a process of embracing and manifesting the woman I am but I was also running the hell away from a bunch of really negative expectations of me as a guy. I used to describe my transition as the equivalent of running from a burning building.
Fast forward fifteen years: because of the sexism and gender expectations that women have to deal with, I sometimes feel like I ran from one burning building into another, but I seem to more far more adept at dealing with this particular fire, in this particular building.
I meant that to say: “but I seem to *be* far more adept at dealing with this particular fire, in this particular building.”
Well said. Although I’d prefer not to think of being a woman as a burning building. ::Grin:: But if life consists primarily of putting out fires (which often seems to be the case) then, yes, I’d rather be in this building than that one…