Comments (5)

By Rebecca, June 5, 2009 8:33 pm

I realized something while talking with my therapist this week. We were talking about my motivations for transitioning, and how I felt about the transition thus far, as well as looking into the future.

I started to say, “The transition has never been about moving away from something, it’s been about moving toward something.” But that’s really not true – for much of my time transitioning, the idea of being a woman seemed so impossible, so far away, that I wasn’t really moving toward it with any expectation of it really happening. Rather, I was so miserable where I was that the mere glimmer of hope around the concept of transitioning seemed worth it. (I still sometimes feel that way, but less so than I used to.)

And so each step forward was another round of the same process: “I’m scared about (going back into therapy/going on hormones/living part time as Rebecca/living full time as Rebecca), but I’m so miserable now that anything would make me less miserable.” I wasn’t moving toward something at all; I was moving away from misery.

And yet, that’s not where I am anymore. And I didn’t even notice the change.

I realized, as I was talking to my therapist, that I’m no longer simply moving away from being unhappy – I’m moving toward an identity that makes me happy. It’s perhaps simply a difference in perspective, but I was really surprised to hear myself say it.