Are you undergoing a transgender experience?
That’s the question I was asked this afternoon: “So Rebecca, are you undergoing a transgender experience?”
I was at part one of a two-day workshop led by members of the Tectonic Theater Project – best known for The Laramie Project – on Moment Theater. We were taking a brief break and one of the other participants came up to me and, without any pretense, sprung that question on me.
(A quick side note: I’m not finding a good explanation of Moment Theater online, but my impression was that it’s an expansion of the ideas of Mary Overlie and Viewpoints. The idea is that, when creating a piece for the stage, equal attention should be payed not only to the text but to the architecture of the space, props, sound, lighting, movement, and a whole bunch of other things which go into creating a show, but are often neglected until the last minute. The workshop was very cool, and I hope tomorrow is even better.)
A lot of thoughts went through my head in the few seconds before I had to either respond or create a socially awkward silence:
- You should never tell someone that they don’t pass. (I can obviously think of exceptions for close friends or family, or if you’ve explicitly asked. But if you just met someone and you think they’re trans? Don’t bring it up unless they do.)
- Well, shit, that means I’m not passing right now.
- Am I obligated to be polite here? Do I really want to be rude?
- Am I obligated to act as an educator? Do I really want to let a language faux pas like “undergoing a transgender experience” just slide?
This woman was (presumably unknowingly) exercising her cisgender privilege by asking personal questions she would never dream of being asked in return. Forget “Are you gay?” That could, conceivably, be asked at a workshop which was organized by a GLBT theatre company, although she was a little blunt and to-the-point in how she did it. (It was sort of like a straight person asking, “Are you a gay?”) But more to the point, she would never dream of asking someone who was bald and slightly frail looking, “So, are you undergoing chemo right now?” There’s a cultural understanding that, unless they bring up the subject, medical and personal issues are part of a private domain.
Should I tell her all that? I don’t want to come off as “that angry trans woman.”
All of that flashed through my head in the moment before I responded, “Yes, I’m transitioning.” I don’t like being rude, particularly to someone who was obviously trying to be polite and find a connection (albeit in a horribly awkward and privileged way).
She continued. “Have you found a supportive community?”
At this point I realized my mistake in opening the door to her questions, and somewhat regretted my decision. But I couldn’t exactly back out now and say, “None of your business” at this point, could I? Instead, I replied, “I’ve been fortunate enough to be surrounded by people – friends, family, and coworkers – who are really supportive.”
Lucky for me, the break ended at this point and the conversation didn’t continue any further. But, in retrospect, I’m wondering if I shouldn’t say something to her tomorrow. Is it possible to correct someone and still be polite? To not come off as a stuck-up bitch?
Here’s my fantasy response; what maybe I should have said, and what I need to decide whether or not to say, in some form, tomorrow:
I know you’re not intending to be rude, but that’s actually something of a rude question. I’m out about my identity as a trans woman, and usually don’t have a problem talking about it, but – just as if someone came up to you and said, “Are you a gay?” – asking that (even when you think you know the answer) isn’t very polite.
Likewise, the correct terminology is ‘transitioning.’ Again, I know you weren’t trying to be offensive – and you didn’t really offend me – but using incorrect terminology can be seen as uneducated, at best, and offensive, at worse.
I don’t want you to shy away from talking about trans issues or to trans individuals, but I do want to think about your position as someone who is (presumably) cis – that is to say, not trans – and the societal and cultural privilege and power that position grants you over those who are trans.
But I don’t know that I’ll have the courage to say that, to make a nuisance of myself.
It’s much easier to be polite, to not make a fuss.
In a sort of surreal way, she was more right than she could possibly know in asking about whether I was “undergoing a transgender experience.” Because being asked that question, in and of itself, of having to put up with people who are well-intentioned but ignorant, is a transgender experience. Maybe it’s the transgender experience. (The ‘ignorant’ part, anyway. Hopefully the ‘well-intentioned’ part more often than not…)
I can only wonder what transgender experience tomorrow will hold…
Themocracy
I wish some people would undergo a STFU experience..
You know, when you originally left this post (waaaay back in time, yesterday ::grin::) I was still trying to figure out how I want to handle these types of questions in a way that doesn’t make waves. But, having had a night to sleep on it, and in light of the experiences leading to my most recent post, you’re right.
Sometimes people do just need to undergo a STFU experience.
They do. When you’ve answered the same questions a million times, you realise that curiosity or ignorance isn’t necessarily innocent – there’s power being asserted there. And that shit just wears us out.
“The operation” being my favourite meme. That thing about privacy just doesn’t apply to genitals (or at least, not ours), cos apparently it is a burning question for *everyone* to need to know – what you have and/or what you plan to do with them..
Nowadays a lot of the time I try to turn things around on people. Why are *you* not trans? Why don’t we talk about *your* genitals instead? etc etc
I had a friend who carried around these little pamphlets while he was transitioning, and for quite some time after. They covered a bit of trans 101 type stuff and also explained how to tactfully talk to a person about it when it’s appropriate, as well as why most of the time it’s just not appropriate. It was sort of light and smart-assy but serious enough as well. My first reaction was “I don’t think you should have to do that,” and his response was “it’s either that or talking them through it each and every time or just growling and stomping off.” So this was his compromise; he would just silently hand the person a pamphlet and walk away. I was always curious about how they responded to it, but he never knew, as he was always out the door while they were still reading it.
I can’t blame him. I don’t know that I’d ever have the guts to do that, particularly in a classroom-type situation where I might need to continue to interact with the person asking the question, but it’s certainly not a bad idea.
Any chance you could ask your friend for a copy of the pamphlet? I’d love to see it.
I’ll email him and see if he still has it. We were in grad school together and have moved off in different directions but still email every once in awhile. And he made up the pamphlet himself, so I’d bet he still has an electronic copy.
Thanks!
I haven’t heard back from him (he’s teaching in New Zealand for the year, lucky bastard), but another mutual friend of ours said he based it on a PFLAG brochure and then made his own changes, while citing PFLAG as the original authors on the back. That may not be much help. =(
Oh well! Thanks for checking, and I hope he’s having a good year in New Zealand! ::grin::
Maybe I’ll check out PFLAG’s stuff and see what I can come up with. (Though I don’t know I’d have the proverbial balls to give something like that out…) Either way, I’ll definitely post anything I find.
I don’t know if this would work for the specific situation that you mentioned above but I have a vague memory of a generic response for rude questions. It was something like, “I’ll forgive you for asking if you’ll forgive me for not answering.” I think it’s from Miss Manners or something like that.
It might work in those situations where you’d rather be polite than confrontational. On the other hand, I completely support confrontation as needed. Sometimes people just need to be told directly, either at the time or after the fact, that what they said was inappropriate. People need to be taught to respect certain boundaries.
Best of luck to you whatever you decide to do.
Thanks for posting, ahimsa! I think that’s pretty good advice, and I’ll definitely try to keep it in mind. (As a side note, Dear Abby recently told someone it’s not their business to out a trans friend. Totally unrelated, but nice to see.)
As for figuring out when to be more direct, I’m still working on that… I think the world would be a better place if people defaulted to being polite (and assuming others were acting out of ignorance rather than ill-will) but being expected to act as educator, or even just sharing personal details, gets tiring.
Either way, thanks again for your comment and for your well-wishings.
I dont have time to read this now but I saw Mary Overlie and I just have to contribute that I tried to do the Viewpoints studio at NYU once and dropped out after two days because Mary Overlie is crazy and racist and has no idea what’s going on. She doesn’t even look you in the eye during class, and wanders on tangents. Her method is overrated.
Anyway I am sure this post is about something deeper and I will read it tomorrow, I just always get irked when I see her name. She is revered and I think it should be acknowledged that she is sexist and racist. End of rant.
Ok I went and read it anyway now, despite my exhaustion. Wow. I can’t believe you were able to keep your cool in that situation, I get so angry just reading it. “undergoing a transgender experience”????? What the hell? That pisses me off to no end, too tired to continue or offer any advice right now but I hope we can talk about this soon, I’m sorry you had to deal with that, please let me know what happens when you see her again.
Heh. I think it was more that I was shocked out of being able to react emotionally than that I was able to keep my cool. (Although maybe that’s a similar thing, in the end.)
I ended up just not acknowledging it the next day and somewhat avoiding her. Or, at least, not going out of my way to engage her. Not the most satisfying outcome, but also not particularly draining…and I didn’t really have the energy to engage her.
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