Dreams of Surgery
I haven’t posted about dreams in a while, but it’s been interesting seeing how my dreams have changed over the course of thr transition. I always used to hope I’d wake up with dreams of being a girl (not to mention of waking up as a girl…) but never really felt horribly gendered in my dreams. More recently, I’ve definitely had dreams about transitioning, being outed, and so on.
Last night, I dreamt I was in the hospital, recovering after having undergone SRS.
“The Surgery” has been on my mind a lot lately, in part due simply to thinking about “what’s next,” and whether or not I’d want to have surgery. But I think a lot of it being on my mind also comes from the blog Rebecca’s Thoughts, where the author has been writing about her experience following her SRS. (Look for the posts with ‘Day X’ in the title from late April and early May. Here is her first post after the surgery, and the last as part of the ‘Day X’ sequence.) I’ve been getting a lot out of her writing about her experience, and I think I need to go back and reread the sequence now that it’s sort of done.
But, back to the topic of dreams, what really struck me was how happy I was about it, and how my first reaction after waking up was disappointment, an “Oh, that didn’t really happen?” kind of sadness we all sometimes get after a particularly pleasant dream.
Which isn’t to say the dream was ‘pleasant,’ exactly. It seemed like I was in the hospital shortly after the surgery, with family members coming to visit me. My dad was there and, unsurprisingly, was trying to be supportive but was really awkward and bad at it. I don’t really remember a whole lot beyond that, if there was even more to remember, but hospital stays are never the most joyous occasion – as Rebecca wrote in her blog, even though she was happy about having had the surgery it wasn’t like the experience was physically pleasant.
I don’t need to reitterate what I said about my thoughts on surgery recently, but this dream has made those thoughts occupy more of my mental energy, and feels like another little push in that direction.
-R
Themocracy
Wow, I read all of the entries about the surgery from Rebecca’s Thoughts. She sounds happier since the surgery and it was a success, but it sounds like quite a painful process. Well worth it, I’m sure. I liked reading about her experience though, it made me really appreciate my body, which I have trouble doing since I usually hate it. It also made me think about my cis privilege, which is an important thing of which to be reminded.
Sorry about your dream, I know how disappointing it can be to wake up from a dream that is a fulfillment of a wish.
Heya Ash. Yeah, The Surgery is definitely supposed to be painful and expensive, and there are a number of people out there willing to tell you “Don’t do it! (hypothetical ‘you,’ possibly not you the reader).
(As a side note about that site, it comes up for quite a few searches on trans topics, and it does contain a wealth of information. That said, I’m not a huge fan. It’s a bit sensationalist (even though I don’t think it’s written trying to be sensationalist) and I don’t agree with some of its politics… More in-depth post on the site to follow.)
As for cis privilege, I’m glad you’re thinking about it, although I definitely don’t want to make you become soo caaaught upppp in thinking about it.
-R
Yeah I have to say I am not crazy about her writing style or the blog, but it was at least interesting hearing about the surgery experience.
Don’t stress about making me think about anything. I am always thinking about my various privileges. I have been thinking about cis privilege a lot lately because though I identify as genderqueer and see my gender identity as fluid, I am still, for all intents and purposes, cis. Which is weird, because I rarely feel like a “woman” but I also am comfortable with my physical body. Ah, gender.
btdubbs, I am definitely coming to Chicago in July and I hope we can hang out, gchat me!