Middle-Class Codes and the Axis of Support
A relative of mine passed away this weekend, and I discovered something at the shiva. Specifically, I was surrounded by a lot of people – family and family friends – who I hadn’t seen in years (in some cases, over a decade). And, as good middle-class-ers, most of them were well-trained enough to know that an event or issue which could lead to a potentially awkward interaction – say, someone you don’t know particularly well transitioning – can only be discussed obliquely. There’s a code for these things; a way to mention them while feeling secure in your ‘tactfulness.’
The middle-class code for “I approve of your transition and support you in it” is “Wow, you look great.”
Now, lets place this on the Axis of Support:
How supportive and tactful are people?
As you can see, A, “Wow, you look great” isn’t bad. It’s not horribly tactful, but it is pretty supportive. On the other side of Tactfulness, but still on the positive side of Support, you have B – those who feel it necessary to share their own stories (and start every sentence with “Oh.”) For the full effect, imagine them with speaking like Woody Allen. That captures the Jewishness and the awkwardness of the interaction pretty well…
They start off, “Oh, you’re [male name]?”
“No, I’m [female name].”
“Oh, but you used to be right?”
(Sigh.) “Yes.”
“Oh, OK. Yeah. I kn ow your mom from way back. And my cousin’s friend knew someone whose husband…switched over. So I’m familiar with this whole thing.”
(Apparently you’re not, but you think you are, so whatever…) “OK.” (And I’m thrilled that you think a shiva is the appropriate place to have this conversation.)
“Well, nice meeting you, [female name].”
Still trying to be supportive, but not particularly tactful.
And then there were the cousins who said two words of hello and two words of goodbye, making very little eye contact, C. I’d have to file them under positive Tactfulness, negative Support. (I think two of ‘em are worried I’d infect their already-theatre-obsessed son… Run! Lock up the children!)
Fortunately, I didn’t have to deal with anyone this past weekend who fell into both negative on the Support and the Tactfulness axis… (I suppose my boob-grabber from a few weeks ago would quality, so he’ll be D.)
Thoughts? Does anyone have any other Middle-class Codes? Or stories that I should add to the Axis of Support? (C’mon you! I know I don’t have a huge readership, but there are some lurkers out there… I know it!)
Other ones I came up with:
- E – uses wrong names/pronouns intentionally
- F – tries to use correct names/pronouns, usually fails
-R
coming out, family, transitioning
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charts and graphs, coming out, family, support, tact, transitioning
Themocracy
Okay I know that the fact that you felt you had to make this axis based on interactions you’ve had with your family isn’t funny, but I have to admit that I was absolutely cracking up while reading the Woody Allen-like converastion! As a fellow Jew I must say that I am super impressed at how you absolutely nailed that comparison on the head.
The axis of support is genius, hits the nail right on the head!
Ok I have some codes:
G: “Of course I accept you, but perhaps don’t come out so you don’t get hurt” = “I do love you but get back in that denial and/or closet! You’re embarassing me and you’re weird and it makes it difficult!”
H: “How do you achieve the suggestion of breasts?” = “OMG… have you got breasts? Are you on hormones?”
I: “Your coming out challenges all of us to be more honest and open with ourselves” = “Wow I didn’t expect this but I’m impressed by your courage and I accept you and I want to make it really clear I do without actually refering to what I am accepting.” (this one is a high scorer but over does the tact – sooo middle class)
and some general axis additions
J: Pretends to be fine with you but fails pronouns and fails to hide how uncomfy they are with you = “How come everyone else finds this acceptable? Well I’m not going to rock the boat and make a scene but I’m really poor at hiding my feelings.”
K: Acts like you don’t exist = “You make me uncomfy… so so… I know! I’ll pretend you are not here! Then my uncomfy feeling will go away without me having to face up to my transphobia and I won’t have to be so rude as to mention it!”
People make things way too comlex. My partner said to me the other day “Why can’t people stop thinking too much and just respect your word for who you are, then we can all just get on with life.” I’d like to nominate her for world leader <3
R.A. – Thanks for the comment! I think the upper-left quadrant of the chat is the most interesting: people who are trying to ‘do the right thing’ but just have absolutely no clue how to go about it. The other three I can understand more, but wanting to be supportive and still being tactless? Sad. (As a side note, I think that’s the quadrant I fear being in the most when dealing with other people.)
Mattie – Your codes and Axis suggestions are great! I think I need to create a more refined version of the Axis, instead of my scribbled-on-graph-paper one, as well as create a more comprehensive ‘dealing with the natives’-style translation guide… Hmmm…. Definitely something to work on one of these days! =)
I think the scribbled-on-graph-paper-ness of it only adds to the charm!
I actually don’t mind supportive but untactful. At least there is something to work with, someone who wants to support even if they need a bit of tact training. It does have the advantage that whatever nonsense they think, you get to find out and correct while sometimes tact masks all sorts of weird ideas or even hostility. The ones I find hardest to deal with are high tact-low support. I find it kind of two faced and it makes me really uncomfy if they fail at hiding it.
Funny how much of this graph looks exactly like the various ways in which my family reacted to a trans family member after her transition! Jewish middle class families FTW
::Grin:: Glad (or sorry, I guess) to hear you found something familiar!