Insomnia
I should go to bed. It’s 3AM. I’ve been up since 10AM and have had a very long day. I feel lousy, I feel tired, and I want to be asleep.
And yet I’m sitting at my computer becuase I know the dully throbbing sadness I’m feeling now will pale in comparison to the aching grief I’ll feel when I lay down, as all the thoughts I’m currently pushing aside come rushing in.
-R
Themocracy
I totally get that. I never heard anyone else articulate it before. Do cis people feel this way too, or is it a T thing?
Jenny – Thanks for the comment. I’m not sure… I know I’ve talked with one of my (cis) roommates about insomnia, and he definitely agreed that part of the reason he stays up later than he should is that he’s avoiding tomorrow. That is, he doesn’t want to have to deal with tomorrow, so by staying awake it postpones whatever is to come (ultimately ineffectual though it may be).
I suspect that the type of insomnia I’m describing, coming from sadness and pain, could come from a lot of sources… Trans people certainly have plenty of reasons to feel shitty, but we (unfortunately) don’t hold a monopoly on aching pain…
-R