Do I feel better or worse?
So, as I mentioned, I was groped at a work event last weekend by someone, D, who was volunteering (and sometimes worked for us). I talked about it with my coworkers and my bosses, all of whom agreed it was super-creepy, totally unacceptable, and needed some sort of response from the organization.
Well, today the special events director, RW called the guy who did it. She started the conversation something along the lines of, “So I wanted to discuss the…incident…that happened this past weekend at the benefit. Do you know what I’m talking about?”
At that point, D responded, “Wait, are you joking? You mean when I grabbed [male name]‘s fake boob?”
The full story below…
So last Friday, before the benefit, D came by to pick up some things for a gig he was working the next day. He saw me in the hallway and said, “Oh, hi [male name]. I didn’t expect to see you like that…” He hadn’t seen me since I’d transitioned at work, so I said, “Yeah, I’m actually going by R now.” He paused, shrugged, and I helped him get out the stuff he needed for the gig. I assumed that was the end of that.
Apparently, he thought I was in costume for the show we were doing that evening (which I was and am not in) and was getting into character… He didn’t stay to see the show, so when he saw me at the benefit he assumed I was still in character and decided to be silly and honked (what he thought was) my fake drag boob.
He couldn’t figure out why I was pissed (somewhat understandable from his perspective) and was thus super-confused when RW called saying it was an ‘incident.’
He was apparently quite mortified when RW explained things to him, and was super apologetic. She said it seemed like he’d probably send me an apology, by way of her (as I’d said I didn’t want any contact with him). All in all, I think it’s probably the best way a bad situation could turn out, as I’d rather him be oblivious than an asshole…
At the same time, part of me would rather have D know I was trans and just be a jackass than think I was just a guy in drag… I could deal with being groped by a bigot, but not ”passing,’ even by someone who I wasn’t out to and so had no reason to try and see me as a woman? That does hurt, and I don’t know how easily I’ll be able to forgive him for the that, something that – even after talking with RW – probably wouldn’t occur to him as a cause for insult.
-R
PS – I’m really offended he thougt my breasts were fake! I’ve worked fucking hard to grow these, and I’ll be damned if he calls them fake! 
coming out, gender, transitioning
| 
bigot, coming out, groped, not passing, passing, transitioning, work
Themocracy
Having read your previous post too, it’s good to know you got some resolution and good support from coworkers.
One of the weirder things with passing (plus extremely trying) is how people who knew you before have such trouble shifting their old perception of you. A complete stranger will see you as you are now, while the old aquaintance is seeing their memory of you. It seems to overide what is in front of their eyes. Really vexing! And yes, somehow it feels worse too
I guess it takes them time to see what everyone else sees, perhaps they have to want to as well? Every now and then you notice someone making that shift… although it takes a few occurances for it to stick I think.
Thanks for the comment Mattie. I definitely agree that knowing what happened, even if I feel conflicted about it, is better than just having no clue what was going through this guy’s head…
I guess I’m also just in this very weird space where I don’t really know how well I’m passing. I’ll catch myself in a mirror and think, “Damn, I look good,” one moment and, “Who is HE?!” the next. Likewise, I’ll get “ma’am”ed at the checkout line at the grocery store or while taking my mom to the hospital one day, and my boob grabbed by some guy who thought I was in drag the next…
Specifically thinking about passing with people I knew pre-transition, I’ve framed it in my mind as ‘personhood inertia.’ That is, people’s concept of others has a certain inertia and changing that concept takes a lot of time and effort. Likewise, the bigger the concept, the bigger the time/effort: If I told my friends/family/coworkers I was getting a drastic haircut or joining a gym, it might take a little getting used to for them, but not much. Changing religions? Probably more time. Changing _genders_? Well, that’s up there for most people in terms of how much time/energy it takes to push through all the inertia of thinking of someone as male or female.
( I hope that makes sense.
)
So yeah, I’m not completely shocked that this guy had trouble seeing me as a woman, but – as you said – it’s trying…
-R
Oh I so know the thing with the mirror… passing is a funny concept really. I’ve had a couple of incidents that have shaped my attitude to it. The first was a time last year when I wasn’t quite out to everyone in my life, although already transitioning. I was at a family party and I was trying to be seen as male. A neighbour who didn’t know me stopped by and asked who’s girlfriend I was O.o
The other is travelling between countries. I find that in one day I can go from passing, to mostly passing, to mostly not, without me changing behaviour or appearance. It totally depends on the culture where I am, rather than me, on those days I think – how people expect a woman to look, how gendered their expectations of people are.
Anyway, these kind of led me to the idea that I can really not do much about passing in some senses – it either happens or not and I can’t really control how people are going to perceive me. So I go for feeling I look nice in the mirror for myself and trying to feel confident enough to just be myself, that’s good enough to just get on with life
Personhood inertia is an awesome way to describe it
It completely chimes with how that experience works for me too.
[...] weekend who fell into both negative on the Support and the Tactfulness axis… (I suppose my boob-grabber from a few weeks ago would quality, so he’ll be [...]
[...] by Maddie I’ve been thinking about “passing” again, it came up in a comment conversation I had recently and is an issue of some kind in every trans person’s life. It is, in short, [...]