I know a place where no one’s lost,
I know a place where no one cries,
Crying at all is not allowed,
Not in my castle on a cloud.

-Lyrics from ‘Castle on a Cloud’ from Les Miserables

Les Mis is some of the earliest music I learned on the piano that I still play regularly. In fact, come to think of it, I’ve probably been playing Les Mis (and using the same beat-up book of sheet music) for over ten years. And, although ‘Castle on a Cloud’ isn’t my favorite song from the musical, a place usually reserved for ‘I Dreamed a Dream’ or ‘On My Onw,’ I do think it’s an evocative metaphor.

That said, the verse I quoted above never sat right with me. I completely understand wanting to exist in a place where no one is lost, and where there is no need to cry. That makes perfect sense. But the idea of not being allowed to cry always made me kind of sad; sometimes the grief of living just needs to come out in tears.

I’ve been crying a lot more lately than I’m used to, and it’s made me think about how I handle my emotions.

I think it is untrue to say that trans people get to experience life as ‘both’ genders. As a trans woman, I didn’t experience ‘boyhood’ in same the way cisgendered men presumably did, in that I didn’t want to be a boy. Likewise, as a trans woman, I don’t experience ‘womanhood’ in the same cisgendered women presumably do, as I wasn’t raised and socialized as a girl.  I In fact, I think it’s somewhat untrue to say any two people will experience  gender in exacltly the same way.

That said, I do think trans individuals who go on hormones and transition are some of the very few people who get to have the unique experience of living life with both male and female hormones. (Or are forced/obligated/required to have the unique experience…) As far as I know, I did not have any (male) hormone imbalances, even though I wasn’t particularly happy with the amount of testosterone coursing through my system pre-transition. And now that I am on hormones, my doc tells me my levels are pretty standard for a so-called ‘biological’ woman.

Coming back to emotions, this has given me the opportunity to see the dramatic shift in how my emotions manifiest themselves pre- and mid-transition. As other trans women have said (and I’ve said something similar before) it’s not that what my emotions are has changed, it’s how I experience them that’s changed. That is, I don’t suddenly find different things happy or sad, but I feel that happiness or sadness more poigantly. So, it takes a lot less to make me cry now. I’m actually pretty OK with that, although sometimes (often…) it’s a little overwhelming. I’m less happy about my inability to keep a straight face, as I prided myself on being able to dead-pan jokes with the best of them, but maybe that’s something that will come back as I get used to the heights of my emotions.

I also don’t want to imply hormones are the sole cause of these emotional shifts. Transitioning has meant a lot of soul-searching, and that process has definitely (hopefully?) put me more in touch with my emotions outside of any hormonal shifts. But I do think there’s a physical/hormonal aspect as well. And, bringing it all the way home to Les Mis, I’m not particularly interested in living in a place where crying isn’t allowed.

I don’t feel like I’d last very long there.

-R