The (legal) name game
Tonight I went out with some coworkers after the high school show opened. (I think could actually qualify them as ‘friends,’ which is nice. The show opening also went really well, barring one head injury of a cast member, which is also nice. I think the injured cast member will be fine…fingers crossed.)
At the bar, we were asked for our IDs, which was all well and good, but when I handed mine to our waitress she sort of did a double take at it, paused, and looked up. She asked, “J?” As in, “You don’t look like a J…”
A lot of incomplete thoughts flashed across my mind in the brief moment before I said, “Mmhm.” After which she sort of shrugged, and everything was fine, but I’m trying to figure out how I feel about it, going to bed a few hours later.
I understand that, in some sense, I should be pleased: I was passing as female, she read me as female, and was confused by my still-male ID. And, in some sense, I am pleased for that reason. I’ve only just started thinking about legal name changes, and haven’t really had the energy to do a lot of research or set out a game plan as of yet. (One step at a time…) And I’ve sort of been expecting this, as it’s not like I didn’t know it was coming, one of these days.
But I don’t know why it’s frustrating me.
I don’t know if I’m frustrated that she had an issue, that there could be a problem with someone having a ‘male’ name/legal document, but presenting as a woman. Or if it’s because I have to deal with it, and with her. Or if it’s embarasment of having a document that shouts “TRANS!” to anyone who sees it. Or all of those things. Or something else entirely.
But I’m not reacting, as one of the women I was with thought I might, as if it were a good thing. And I don’t know why.
-R
Themocracy
I guess I’m sort of confused by your reaction. I would have assumed that it would have made you happy that you “passed” as in previous posts this seems like a general concern.
I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with the woman being confused. I don’t think that meant she had ill intentions or thought badly of you, but simply its confusing to look at a woman and see an id that says Mike which is clearly a male name. I would have been just as confused in that situation. She also clearly didn’t make a big deal of it, but just let it go.
I guess I too, hadn’t realized thinking of legal name changes would happen so soon, but it does make sense. Perhaps, this just means that you need to start thinking of this process sooner than later. Isn’t that fundamentally a good thing? That you’ve been accepted by the public as B and that J now seems odd in people’s minds?
I think some of it goes back to something my therapist said the other day, about being “post transition.” I need to expand this into a larger post at some point, but basically – in my mind – I’m still very much “transitioning.” The idea of having transitioned, of being “post transition,” is scary because it sort of means what I’m doing is ‘for real’ (whatever that means) rather than still practice.
I don’t know – I have this idea that being in the process of transitioning means that I’m allowed to try things out and have lower stakes for myself. Whereas being “post transition” means whatever I’m doing is ‘real.’ I realize that’s kind of vague, and it’s kind of vague in my mind, which is why I need to expand upon it in a later post… But thinking out loud, that’s where I go with why I was uncomfortable.
-R
[...] ID back, and let me in. I was able to take this as a compliment (unlike the last time I mentioned a similar situation) but it’s fed my thoughts on privilege, and how little thought I gave to my ID being accepted [...]