Compliments
I came home tonight and my rooommates were having a chat about relationships (I’m not entirely sure what they were talking about, to be honest) and it turned into one of those lovely meandering conversations about everything and nothing. But, of course, it eventually got me thinking about my relationship, and where I am.
I saw my therapist earlier tonight, and actually came out feeling pretty good. “You seem calmer this week,” she said, and it’s true, overall.
But I still really miss her. I do believe what I’m doing is the right thing for me in the long run, but I love her, and I really miss her. And thinking about that, of course, made me sad in the missing.
And AR and I started talking, in the door between our rooms, about how I think about myself. She said she was proud of me, and I said something along the lines of, “Don’t be.” She pressed me, and I said I don’t feel like I’m proud-worthy; that being proud of is something for “other people” and I don’t think very highly of myself right now (if I ever have).
She said that’s obviously something I need to work on. That maybe I should make an effort to write down compliments people give me and keep a book, or post them on my wall, or solicit thoughts on myself from friends so I know that they think highly of me.
The idea of such an overwhelming amount of compliments literally had me on the floor, hiding with my hands over my head.
Obviously, that’s not a great way to think of myself: so poorly that the mere idea of being complimented can drive me to tears.
And I’m not sure what to do about it.
-R
Themocracy
Oh honey I know what you mean. Its difficult to believe that people mean the nice things they say unless they’re getting something out of it.
But oddly enough its true, people (especially those who love you) generally mean the wonderful things they say and aren’t just saying them.
You’re a wonderful beautiful brave woman and you should be proud of yourself and all that you’ve accomplished.
I’m not sure I have trouble believing that they mean the compliments. I think it’s much more that I have trouble believing that what they’re saying is true. I feel like it’s some big lie, like I’ve deceived them or tricked them into thinking whatever it is, whether it’s mundane (being a good pianist) or about the transition (passing).
Because, at the end of the day, I don’t think very highly of myself. Or, if I do, it’s always conditional: “Well, I’m an OK piano player, but I would be a GOOD piano player if I practiced this much more.” or “Well, I’m OK with computers, but I would be GOOD with computers if I had this much more experience.” or (most important right now…) “Well, I’m handling the transition OK, but it would be going WELL if…if…” and I don’t know the answer.
-R
Hi… I have been reading your blog for a few months; I can’t exactly recall how I came across it but I know it was by way of another blog that I read regularly (I just can’t remember which one). At any rate, there have been several times that I wanted to comment to tell you how much I appreciate your blog but I haven’t really had something specific to say until now, I guess.
I truly appreciate your openness in writing about your personal experiences in all facets of your transition. I am dating a transgendered man and sometimes I have a hard time understanding the kinds of things he has had to deal with in the past (and sometimes the things he deals with in the present). Although your experiences are not exactly the same as his have been, you have shed a lot of light on how difficult transition can be but also how rewarding it can be to be recognized as simply YOU.
Keep writing and I’ll keep reading…
R.A.