Being read
One of my roommates came up to me the other day and said, “Hey, I was at target and the woman running the register was trans!”
I, trying to figure out how to respond to that, said, “Well, how did you know?”
“I mean, you could tell from her facial structure.”
I paused, trying to pinpoint exactly why this conversation was making me uncomfortable. “OK, but can’t women have different facial structures?”
She tried to brush it off, saying, “Yeah, but you can tell…”
I was feeling really uncomfortable at this point, and really didn’t want to keep going down this road. I ended things by making sure she understood at least part of what was going on. “You know you should never say you think someone’s trans, right? Because if they are, they’ll be upset that you realized it, and if they’re not, they’ll be upset you think they are.”
Since then, and since talking with my other roommate, I think I’ve gotten a better idea of what was happening.
Part of it is sort of why you never say, “When’s the baby due?” If they’re not pregnant, they really don’t want to know you thought they looked preggers. And if they are pregnant, and aren’t that far allong, I imagine they still don’t want to know they’re body is looking pregnant. (I’m making an assumption here, but I think it makes sense.) That’s what I brought up when we were talking, and that’s what she and I left it at.
But the real issue is that when she said, “I mean, you could tell from her facial structure,” and “Yeah, but you can tell…” I heard, “You’re never going to pass. People are always going to be able to tell you’re trans, and be silently judging you for it.” And maybe, as in the case of my roommate, it’ll be a positive feeling of “Way to go!”
But it’s kind of likely the thoughts won’t be so kind.
I’m having a hard time balancing the fact that I’m out – I transitioned in a small office at work, surrounded by other offices with people who’ve known me for years, I’m living with friends from highschool who have known me since long before I transitioned, and so on, and so on – and that I do want to be able to pass, to not be thought of as “That tranny.”
-R
Themocracy
[...] soon, but I also wanted to mention before it slips my mind that I was at the Target my roommate brought up a while back. I saw a woman who I would, indeed, read as trans . And although I hated myself the [...]
[...] should never tell someone that they don’t pass. (I can obviously think of exceptions for close friends or family, or if you’ve explicitly [...]
[...] AS annoyed me before I transitioned, and that kind of language and objectification of women likewise bothered me pre-transition. But I’m definitely learning more and more how saying something about other women affects me in a way it didn’t when I wasn’t socializing or presenting as a woman. (Likewise for comments about trans people.) [...]