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By Rebecca, February 26, 2009 9:12 pm

I went in yesterday for another round of laser hair removal. This is the 3rd round of the 6 I paid (well, went into debt for) for back in August. I did my chest, stomach, and arms, so I still have to go back for my legs next Wednesday. I guess it’s more like part 5 of 12… I’m also going to do a facial touch up next Wednesday, because some pesky hairs can’t take a hint.

I’m all prickly and red now, though, which is obnoxious. It usually fades away in a day or two. I should rub hydrocortisone on the parts that are really itchy.

In more exciting news, I’ve almost saved enough to pay off the hair removal. When I signed on the dotted line in August, I was committing to pay $4,390 by the end of August, 2009, or start facing interest charges. I’ve been saving money in an interest-bearing ING account, and plan to pay them off in mid-August to get as much interest money as possible. Although interest rates have been dropping, a little ‘free’ money is better than none! (If you want an ING referral, let me know! If you join with something like $200 in a savings account, I get $10 and you get $25!)

So yeah. I have something like $4200 in the bank right now, and I figured if I get around $4300, most of the remaining will be made as interest. With my next paycheck, next week, I should have that off my back!

Which is good, because this weekend I am going shopping! I sent out an email to some girl friends asking for help to find me a wardrobe. I have, like, four pairs of pants and five tops that I’m just cycling through, and it’s getting ridiculous… So, as much as it pains whatever testosterone that’s left in my system to do it, I’m going on a shopping spree! Round 1 is tomorrow, with NP (and possibly a friend from work), and I might be doing more on Saturday and/or Sunday.

Ridiculous.

-R

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By Rebecca, February 23, 2009 11:20 pm

A friend of mine recently pointed me to Wordle, which allows you to make pretty cool ‘word clouds.’ I thought I’d give it a try with the Ares and Aphrodite script from November:

I’m still playing with different color and font options, but I really like the concept. Word clouds are a really cool way to get the gestalt of a piece of text.

-R

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By Rebecca, February 23, 2009 12:39 am

Edit, 3/28/09 – I’m attempting to organize my thoughts on trans fiction here. That page contains links to all of the blog posts I’ve written on the subject, as well as a (growing) collection of links to sites focusing on trans fiction, and particular trans-themed authors/stories I like.

As I’ve mentioned once or twice, I have a tendency to read trans fiction when I’m feeling down. (And, apparently, a meta-tendency to write about said tendency…) I’ve been feeling down lately, and reading more trans fiction, and wanted to share some thoughts. (I’ll write another post to share some links, which I know is what you’re really after…)

I said in a previous post that, “…for me, forced-feminization stories are feeding a desire to have someone else take control of my transition and do it for me.” I still think that’s true, but I’m also realizing that there’s an aspect of sympathizing with characters who feel horribly awkward as women. I’ve wondered why I don’t feel more drawn to fiction involving involuntary female-to-male transformations. Wouldn’t that allow me to feel more sympathy with the protagonist? She would be trapped in the body of a man, and struggling to get back into her rightful body as a woman. (Many forced-feminization stories follow the reverse plot.)

But I don’t really care to read about a character who needs to learn how to pee standing up, or play football, or discover the joys of the male orgasm. I want to read about someone who is struggling to remember to pee sitting down, and how to dress appropriately, and female sexuality. Because all of those things are sure as hell confusing to me.

And I do think it’s unfortunate that so many trans fiction stories involve involuntary transformations, because I do enjoy reading about characters who are actually trans, and not just thrust into a trans-themed universe for the purposes of the plot. (I’m realizing I need to do another ‘trans fiction’ list (and non-fiction, I suppose, to add a nested parentheses) and divide it in that sense – trans characters, and forced-femme characters, but I don’t have the energy to do it tonight.)

So yes, as I said before, I do enjoy fantasizing about having someone step in and take over the transition. That’s definitely part of what I’m getting out of forced-feminization stories. But I hadn’t realized I’m also connecting with characters who don’t really have the first clue about what being a woman means. And I think there’s a hope that, if I read enough pieces where the protagonist figures that out, I might too.

-R

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By Rebecca, February 21, 2009 8:59 pm

Trans blogger Rebecca, over at Rebecca’s Thoughts recently had a post, Heat, about how her experience being sexual has changed recently as part of the transition. Obviously, everyone’s transition is different, unique experiences, my transition doesn’t mirror hers, bla bla bla standard disclaimers. That said, I certainly identified with many moments in her post, and if you’re curious how trans womens’ sexuality can change (not will change, but can) you should read it. From her post:

And the orgasms? Well, they are now better and worse, to be honest. Worse in that they are no longer quite as pleasurable in many ways, due to the arousal and sensitivity issues, and because any arousal now causes that intense pain. But much better in that the actual orgasm, if achievable, is completely different, and quite awesome, now. In addition to there being virtually no discharge anymore (yeah!), the orgasm presents itself as a growing warmth in my groin, and upon release floods my entire body in intense waves of pleasure. I’ve actually found myself having to really watch my volume! and I usually end up giggling afterward. Anyway, not having grown up with a female body, I’m not sure what exactly to make of this. But from what I’ve read and been told by my girlfriends, it sounds like I’m well on my way to having full-on female orgasms.

Check it out.

-R

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By Rebecca, February 20, 2009 8:53 pm

…also very much creeps me out. Let me share it with you:

masturbating after having chiken pox

I don’t…I don’t know how to respond to that.

-R

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By Rebecca, February 19, 2009 8:52 pm

One of my roommates came up to me the other day and said, “Hey, I was at target and the woman running the register was trans!”

I, trying to figure out how to respond to that, said, “Well, how did you know?”

“I mean, you could tell from her facial structure.”

I paused, trying to pinpoint exactly why this conversation was making me uncomfortable. “OK, but can’t women have different facial structures?”

She tried to brush it off, saying, “Yeah, but you can tell…”

I was feeling really uncomfortable at this point, and really didn’t want to keep going down this road. I ended things by making sure she understood at least part of what was going on. “You know you should never say you think someone’s trans, right? Because if they are, they’ll be upset that you realized it, and if they’re not, they’ll be upset you think they are.”

Continue reading 'Being read'»

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By Rebecca, February 18, 2009 3:03 pm

This is what I’ve spent the last hour on:

Continue reading 'I’m just crazy busy at work…'»

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By Rebecca, February 13, 2009 12:32 am

How can something that is ultimately not good for me right now be what I want so badly, and something I need be what I don’t want for all the world?

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By Rebecca, February 11, 2009 1:37 pm

I have a hangup in that I get very guilty and regretful when I see a project come to completion that I could have worked on, but didn’t. Last night I went to one of the final dress rehearsals for Sleepy Hollow, the show the theatre company I’m involved in is working on. It goes up tomorrow, and honestly is really great – it’s a musical retelling of the story, with live music played on-stage by the actors, and is a lot of fun. (At 75 minutes, it also is long enough without being too long.)

However, because of the stress and pressure I’ve been putting on myself lately, I stood up to the theatre company and said that I could only help minimally, and couldn’t commit to being at shows for house managing or whatnot. They weren’t happy about this, but I stuck to it because I had finally be convinced I need to drop responsibilities and focus on myself for a while.

And yet, when the performance was over, I had a pang of regret that I hadn’t helped out, even though I know I would have regretted doing that, and would have just added tons more stress to myself.

Likewise, the friend whose recital piece I was scheduled to work on saw the blog post where I talked about it being stressful, and we found a way that I could provide input and help without having to commit to the whole process. Definitely a good decision, and one that will undoubtedly lower the stress in my life, something I really need right now. But I know when I see the final performance, I’m going to regret having backed out.

I just always place so much weight on every individual project. I know I’m still young, and have a long artistic life ahead of me, but I always feel like if I don’t work on this project right now (for whatever ‘this project’ is) I’ll miss out on some unrecoverable experience.

I’m trying to change my point of view, but I just can’t emotionally get behind the idea that there will be more time for more projects in the future.

-R