Talking to my dad
I finally talked to my dad a bit about the divorce. Or, more accurately, I asked him about it and he talked about it for a while.
I’ve realized over the last year (and posted some about it here) that I’m still pissed at my dad about the divorce, eight years later, but never actually talked to him about it or heard his side of the story. I’d pieced together a version of events from overheard conversations and my own impressions, but never actually asked him what happened.
So at dinner a week ago, I did.
Dinner was actually rather pleasant, and we caught up on work and life and such, and as things were winding down I said, “I’ve been thinking a lot about our relationship and I know it hasn’t been the strongest it might be. And I recently realized that, had someone been returning my calls at the rate I’ve been returning yours, the only conclusion I could take was that they’d been avoiding me. And we talked and have been talking about transitioning stuff, which has been really good, but I also realized I still have a lot of anger about the divorce and wanted to hear your version of what happened.”
That was really the only thing I said for the next half hour, other than reitterating that I wasn’t looking for anything specific from him, just to hear what he had to say. (Although I realize in retrospect what I was looking for him to say was, “Just kidding! Mom and I are back together.”)
He said that he felt awful and guilty about how much it’s hurt my mom, my brother and I. He said he felt it was the one selfish act he’s done while parenting. He said he was naive about how our relationships would be and that, since my brother and I weren’t little kids, he thought we’d get past it. He said SO didn’t cause the divorce, which I think I believe (or at least believe that he believes). He don’t think he explicitly said he wished it hadn’t happened or that he could take it back, but said something along the lines of “If I knew how much pain it would cause I wouldn’t have gone through with it.”
So I’m trying to let that settle, and see what to do with it. I think, ultimately, it was the right thing to do – to talk about it – since even know I feel like, if he calls tomorrow, I have less of an inclination to avoid the call. Not because anything specific has changed, but just because I’ve been able to say “I’m pissed at you” and able to hear that he isn’t oblivious to how big the divorce was in my life.
-R
(There is a part of me that is frustrated that he was so appologetic, because I don’t know what to do with that. if he’d just been an ass, I could be angry at him and feel justified. I still think my anger is justified, but I can’t figure out how to express it since I want a relationship with him and being cold feels like kicking a dog or something, since he can’t/won’t defend himself. And I know that’s a good thing in the long run, just makes my feelings more complicated right now.)
Themocracy
[...] toward my hair removal, but I couldn’t figure out what to ask my dad for. Well, after our recent discussion, we were back at my apartment and talking about more mundane things, including the video camera I [...]