I’m kind of freaking out right now…
I went to the sperm storage facility yesterday afternoon to make a ‘deposit’ (ahh, clinical language). The experience in and of itself was pretty awkward and uncomfortable, as the doctor wasn’t a very personable character and did little to make me feel at ease (or, indeed, make me feel like she at all cared about me as an individual). So already, this thing that I didn’t really want to do and had very mixed feelings about was an unpleasant experience. But I did it, I filled out the paperwork, and I got the hell out of there.
Then, last night, I got a call from the lab technician: there was no sperm in the sample. I was, to adpot a useful piece of slang, shooting blanks. And since my fear all along was that I’d have nothing to ‘deposit,’ I’m not horribly shocked, but am kind of freaking out.
See, the way I see it is I have three main options:
- Wait another month off hormones and try to make a deposit again, on the off-chance that lingering hormones are affectring my sperm production
- Go to a fertility clinic and look into whether there’s some other problem ‘down there’
- Give up, and go back on hormones
Obviously, the first and second options make the most sense to be done concurrently (that is, if I go to a fertility clinic I’ll also stay off the hormones and try to let my body correct the problem on its own). But I had so much emotional energy ready for the release of going back on the hormones as early as today, that I’m not confident of my ability to keep myself together if I look at what would effectively be an indefinite period off hormones.
Now, fundamentally, I know that none of the reasons for the original decision have changed – by depositing sperm I give myself the option (not the obligation or requirement) of using that later to be a genetic parent. If I don’t deposit sperm, I am likely removing that option either through chemical castration or genital surgery. (Not that I’m planning on having the latter anytime soon, but I acknowledge it’s a possibility at some point in the future.)
But right now I’m feeling very much like keeping that door open in the future is vastly out weighed by keeping my sanity and emotional stability in the now. I feel like when your therapist says that after two months off hormones you look “faded” and “drained,” it’s not a good sign.
-R
Themocracy
Why don’t you talk to your therapist about other ways you can keep your sanity and emotional stability without the hormones? Also, I firmly believe that when G returns, things will drastically improve.
I agree with Ash. You’ll feel better when G is back, and I know it sucks now, but it could potentially suck more in the future if you get to the point that you’re regretting this.
What’s two more months of unhappiness in comparision to a lifetime of regret?
Ideally you wouldn’t have either. I would consider option 1 and 2.
[...] idea of me ever having children. I haven’t talked about this much on the blog, other than the ton of fun I had while going off hormones to deposit sperm summer before last. And, to be honest, I [...]
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