My dad (both my parents, actually) came to see my performance at the end of the week-long workshop, and he sent me this email a day later:

I have to tell you that I was extraordinally impressed by the quality of all of the performances, including yours. More than that, however, I was moved almost to tears by your words as well as your acting, both of which obviously came from deep within you. I am truly sorry that you have had to shoulder your pain and anguish alone for all these years. But never alone again. I love you very much. Dad

I know our communication is a bit strained right now, but the lines “I am truly sorry that you have had to shoulder your pain and anguish alone for all these years. But never alone again.” really struck a nerve on how he sees my identity as trans and how I’ve dealt with it. I sent him the following response:

I really appreciate you coming to the performance, and I think it was work – both mine and others – that was good for you to see. I know you love me, and I count myself extremely lucky and privileged to have two parents who are so supportive and supporting of my identity as trans and my transitioning. So I think I know what you mean by “I am truly sorry that you have had to shoulder your pain and anguish alone for all these years. But never alone again.” and I wholeheartedly appreciate the sentiment.

That said, I can’t help but feel it’s a little presumptuous to assume I’ve been alone all these years and, at the same time, that I’m not alone now. I haven’t shouldered my pain and anguish alone – I’ve had friends, both on- and off-line, who have offered support and love and shoulders to cry on. And, at the same time, I’m still alone in my body, as everyone is alone in theirs; I can’t experience what goes on in behind anyone else’s eyes, nor they what goes on behind mine.

I’m trying not to read too much into what you wrote and, again, I know you meant it with all the love in the world. I don’t want you to feel like you need to be walking on pins around me or when you talk to me, but I need to be able to feel like I can let you know when something has touched a nerve. I love you a lot, too, and don’t want the lines of communication fuzzied in either direction by misunderstandings.

i love you
-j

2 Responses to “From dad; to dad”

1. Ash says:

   August 2, 2008 at 5:49 pm

   I adore you. That is all.

   Reply
2. M says:

   August 5, 2008 at 1:31 pm

   Your relationship with your dad confuses me. When he’s not supportive you get mad at him, when he is supportive you get mad at him.

   I know I’m the outside looking in, but I think you took his email the wrong way. I think he was trying to show you that he’s getting his act together and wants to be there to support you, and that never again will he let you down.

   I don’t think he was implying that without him you’ve been alone.

   Reply