Therapist: 2 – Me: 0
Obviously, it’s not a contest. But damn if it doesn’t seem that way when she’s right and I’m wrong…
So the first one is about clothing, the most mundane (and yet oh-so-important) of things. L was saying I needed to just go to Target, where no one would care what I was looking at or trying on, and get something. I was whining and backpedaling and letting fear of embarasment keep me from doing it. See, among other things, I really don’t like to feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. And buying women’s clothing? I don’t know what I’m doing.
But I finally got up my courage and went to Target. (There’s a sentence I never thought I’d write…) After putting off the women’s clothing section by looking at all the cool Lego Star Wars toys and the GPS systems and the make-your-own-ice-cream things, I finally meandered slowly past the clothing section. I felt like a bad spy in a satire, where if no one notices the spy before they try to ‘sneak,’ everyone damn sure will after.
Then I lost my nerve and went next door to Office Max, hating myself all the way.But wait! I went back, meandered some more, looked intently at my phone as if i just happened to stop to check the time near the women’s section and wasn’t struggling with 23 years of ingrained shame about not identifying as a man.
In the end I did come home with two women’s tshirts. I dawdled some more, pretended I was looking at my shoes, my phone, anything but the clothing in front of me. But I managed to try something on, and didn’t die of cripling embaresment (because L’s right, as usual, no one gives a shit). And they’re undeniably feminine, with scooped necklines and slight waists, feminine in a way that the vast majority of my clothing is not.
And I do feel really good about having bought them, and owning them. They show that I have boobs! Oh dear god, I have boobs! Ridiculous. (Wearing them in public, however, will be a different battle…)
Shifting gears slightly. The second thing L ‘wins’ at, which ends on a less happy note, was talking to my dad.
We went biking for Father’s Day yesterday, which was actually really good. We did about 20 miles round trip, and even talked about doing an overnight trip at some point, about 30 miles each way (which I’m somewhat interested in doing, since 20 miles was pretty OK). But then on the way back, I brought up transitioning.
L had said that, since I’m an adult now, it’s not only my dad’s responsibility to keep up the relationship. That is, if there’s something I think he and I should talk about, it’s half my responsibility to bring it up. I’d felt like we hadn’t really talked about transitioning stuff…well…ever, and was a little uncomfortable about it. So driving on the way back to my house, I finally did bring it up. But I felt like every time I gave him the opportunity to ask questions or explain why it was hard for him to deal with, he just repeated “This is hard for me.” Even worse, he said border-line homo/transphobic things like “Well, how would you feel if I said I was going to become a woman?”
That hurt first, becuase I think he’s handling it worse than every other person in my life is, so I have pretty high standards for how he should be handling it. Second, he’s had literally ten years to think about my being trans and still dances around the vocab of trans-ness and transitioning.
So I ended up coming home in tears, with him insisting he loves me and me feeling like he was saying “I love you, but….” But I slept on it, and G was (of course) really good at helping me calm down and get a little perspective. I’m still upset with him, and I think I have the right to be upset. But I also am trying to see things from his perspective and not be too hard on him. As G said, I need to go easier on him, but also on myself.
So I emailed him today, in response to a brief email he said where he apologized for upsetting me but didn’t even try to figure out why I was upset, and said that I still love him and would still be interested in going on the overnight biking trip, but need a few days to figure out my thoughts before responding to what we talked about concerning the transition.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
-R
Themocracy
I can’t even imagine how hard going to Target would have been. I keep fearing that someone is going to stop you and say, “No this is the woman’s dressing room, the men’s is over there”
Have you considered shopping online for women’s clothes? I suppose you don’t have a frame of reference for what sizes you should be. I think that once you get comfortable in the clothes that when you walk into a store already dressed in more feminine clothes it will easier for you to shop and not feel as insecure.
For me it is always awkward going into the guys section but I always like the clothes there so much more. The only thing is that I never use the guys dressing room, always the girls and that is when it is really awkward. Depending on what I’m wearing or what type of clothes I have I am sometimes stopped before going in by the attendant. Or if I’m not stopped I get weird looks from the attendant. But most of the times when I’m just in the guys section no one pays much attention. As far as the previous comment goes, I would not recommend buying clothes on line, especially if you want them to be fitted. But I do agree with the fact that it is easier (for me) to buy guy’s clothes when already dressed in guys clothes.