How do you transition?
Edit, 3/28/09 – I’m attempting to organize my thoughts on trans fiction here. That page contains links to all of the blog posts I’ve written on the subject, as well as a (growing) collection of links to sites focusing on trans fiction, and particular trans-themed authors/stories I like.
I’ve spent far too much time the last few days reading trans-themed fiction (most from Sapphire’s Place) and trying to figure out why the hell I am spending so much time reading said fiction… I know I’m slipping into feeling shitty about myself, and I don’t think the two are unrelated. (And, son of a bitch, I’m writing this in the kitchen and my roommates left the fucking front door unlocked again.)
Back to trans fiction and how I’m doing…
I’m terrified of taking initiative. This is nothing new. But all of the stories I’m reading – even the ones with characters who actually are trans – somehow involve having the decision to transition taken out of the character’s hands (and almost always much of the transition itself). And, looking over authors or stories I’ve bookmarked, I have the full spectrum of trans-themed fiction represented: shitty, cheesey fiction that isn’t horribly well written (and is occasionaly just flat-out poorly written) involving characters who don’t identify as trans but are somehow forced into a life of womanhood by means ranging from the mundane to the sci-fi to the magical, all the way to characters who do identify as trans and struggle to find their way to transitioning (and I’ll admit, often do so with sci-fi or magical means).
But the latter type is much more rare (also usually better written when it does appear). More commonly, a character who identifies as male (or “isn’t sure,” but never identifies as trans) is either misidentified as a girl or magically/sci-fi-ally becoms a woman. The stories not involving sci-fi/magic usually have characters in their teens or younger, while sci-fi/magic stories usually involve characters who are in their late teens or older. Then, over the course of the story, the character either ‘realizes’ that they ‘should have been born a girl’ or their personality is somehow modified (by said magical/sci-fi means) to accept/like the change that they’ve been forced in to.
Both of those are pretty fucked up story molds, and are often written by authors who simply can’t write that well and I would never put up with if I weren’t so drawn to them. But I am drawn to them (I’m realizing) because the characters need to take absolutely no initiative – indeed, that would be counterproductive to the cookie-cutter plots. They’re forced to be women and (heaven forbid you break the mold!) by the end of the story they are women, and happy about it. They have others in their life who force them (sometimes literally) to be strong, beautiful women (inevitably beautiful and skilled in the ‘womanly’ arts).
Even in the stories where the characters do identify as trans, there’s still some ‘push’: sometimes it’s the same force that’s ‘supposed’ to be punishment but doesn’t ‘work’ because they’re trans (see: one of the Seasons stories, can’t remember which), sometimes it’s a deal with the devil (literaly), sometimes it’s a past life catching up with the main character, sometimes it’s the psychic manifistation of the main character telling them they’re trans, sometimes it’s a gennie wish gone awry, it doesn’t really matter. They’re all dragged into the transition and have hard evidence (occasionally divine) it’s the ‘right’ thing to do.
And the concept of forced feminization (or even forced transitioning) is like a flame – it terrifies me, but I can’t look away. Becuase I’m also scared of having the transition be of my own volition: if someone else makes me do it, and I don’t come out “right” (able to pass and think of myself as a woman) then it won’t be my fault. I’m scared of being judged for still presenting as male but getting caught wearing makeup or a bra and not being able to say “well, this isn’t what I wanted,” because it desprately is what I want.
But what if I fail?
-R
Themocracy
a couple thoughts:
this makes me think of horrible pulp romance novels where the woman is essentially kidnapped and raped by the man she eventually falls in love with, and they have passionate sex forever after. in some ways i think that kind of fantasy makes a lot of sense and is attractive for women who have been socialized to be more interested in pleasing others than pleasing themselves. is also might make sense and be attractive for women who have been socialized to be agressive, go-getter feminists, because they get tired of fighting eventually. i think that there’s a place for fantasy, and that it responds directly to needs that aren’t always met in real life. but if you realize that the fantasies are interfering with your own sense of self-confidence in real life, it is definitely time to re-evaluate them. with reading, i frequently feel like I am what I eat–if it’s nothing but cotton candy fantasy crap, i feel sick pretty fast. i need to make sure i get my broccoli.
secondly, you say that the idea of forced feminization is like a flame that you’re drawn to, and i think the logic you lay out for that is pretty powerful. but what if you are identifying with it on a different level as well–all your life you have lived a kindof forced masculinization. now all of a sudden you are breaking out of that and it’s bringing up a lot of stuff. even if most of that stuff is good, it’s still scary. if you’re enjoying reading about a lot of characters who have just accepted their forced gender, sci-fi or otherwise, and who therefore eventually become happy with it, is that part of a desire to just put the transition away because it’s scary? hoping that you might be happy with the forced gender, like you’re “supposed” to be?
we need to find you some good solid trans fiction books–cause the kind of crap you’re talking about could only ever exist online. in the meantime, it might be a bitch, but maybe you should try going cold turkey on these things. (like i once did with fashion magazines in high school, and it changed my whole self-image). i don’t like hearing that you’re down on yourself.
~G
[...] post is a followup to a previous post, How do you transition, which was sort of a followup to Trans [...]