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By Rebecca, April 30, 2008 1:47 am

Edit, 3/28/09 – I’m attempting to organize my thoughts on trans fiction here. That page contains links to all of the blog posts I’ve written on the subject, as well as a (growing) collection of links to sites focusing on trans fiction, and particular trans-themed authors/stories I like.

I’ve spent far too much time the last few days reading trans-themed fiction (most from Sapphire’s Place) and trying to figure out why the hell I am spending so much time reading said fiction… I know I’m slipping into feeling shitty about myself, and I don’t think the two are unrelated. (And, son of a bitch, I’m writing this in the kitchen and my roommates left the fucking front door unlocked again.)

Back to trans fiction and how I’m doing…

I’m terrified of taking initiative. This is nothing new. But all of the stories I’m reading – even the ones with characters who actually are trans – somehow involve having the decision to transition taken out of the character’s hands (and almost always much of the transition itself). And, looking over authors or stories I’ve bookmarked, I have the full spectrum of trans-themed fiction represented: shitty, cheesey fiction that isn’t horribly well written (and is occasionaly just flat-out poorly written) involving characters who don’t identify as trans but are somehow forced into a life of womanhood by means ranging from the mundane to the sci-fi to the magical, all the way to characters who do identify as trans and struggle to find their way to transitioning (and I’ll admit, often do so with sci-fi or magical means). Continue reading 'How do you transition?'»

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By Rebecca, April 28, 2008 5:29 am

Edit, 3/28/09 – I’m attempting to organize my thoughts on trans fiction here. That page contains links to all of the blog posts I’ve written on the subject, as well as a (growing) collection of links to sites focusing on trans fiction, and particular trans-themed authors/stories I like.

So I spent a chunk of this evening (gods it’s nice to be done with a show and not have rehearsal!) (gods it sucks that we have pickup rehearsals this week) reading trans-themed fiction. A couple of sites I’ve become fond of are Sapphire’s Palace and Fictionmania, as well as some of Brandy’s work and the Seasons of Change series. And, of course, I can’t leave out the Saga of Tuck (though I can’t decide if it’s actually less good now or if I’m just no longer 14…).

I’ve been thinking about what type of trans-themed fiction I like, and why I like reading it. Most fiction dealing with trans themes or found on trans-fiction sites deals with men who are somehow forced or coerced into becoming women. Definitely not all trans fiction has those themes – the Whateley Academy stories have some really great characters who actually identify as trans – but a lot of ‘em do. And I do get a lot more enjoyment out of reading stories with characters who do identify as trans. Just as it was fantastically helpful to read an experience that fit with my own in Whipping Girl, it’s really satisfying to read fiction with characters who I can identify with.

But why do I keep reading stories with forced (or at least unintentional) feminization? Part of it is simply that there’s not a ton of trans-themed fiction out there, period. So, to some extent, I’m willing to take what I can get for any moderatly well-written fiction (and occasionally less-than-well-written) with trans- or gender-related themes.

And yet, inevitably, my mind turns back to Serano’s passage from Whipping Girl:

When I hit puberty, my newly found attraction to women spilled into my dreams of becoming a girl. For me, sexuality became a strange combination of jealousy, self-loathing, and lust. Because when you isolate an impressionable transgender teen and bombard her with billboard ads baring bikini-clad women and boys’ locker room trash talk about this girl’s tits and that girl’s ass, then she will learn to turn her gender identity into a fetish. Continue reading 'Trans fiction'»

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By Rebecca, April 22, 2008 2:33 am

So I just took a short psych test that creates a “personal DNA” profile. At the very least, it’s purdy. If you scroll over the colored boxes, it tells you things about my confidence (slightly low), empathy (very high), attention to style (slightly low) and so on. I’m apparently a “benevolent idealist.”

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By Rebecca, April 21, 2008 10:48 pm

Location: Backstage at a theatre

Characters:
Lewis, mid-20s, in an elaborate costume
Amanda, mid-20s, dressed very quirky (the costume designer)

Lights up

ANNA: [Fidgeting with the zipper on the costume] Hm. This still isn’t fitting quite right. [Continues to safety pin the costume]

LEWIS: Well, I don’t know if this matters, but I’m trans.

ANNA: [Stopping what she's doing] What?

LEWIS: Well, I’ve been on estrogen for the past year, which is where these [lifts a breast] are coming from. I don’t know if that’s messing up your
measurements.

ANNA: Oh. Um. No. The fabric is just folding differently than I expected.

LEWIS: Oh.

Lights down

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By Rebecca, April 21, 2008 10:35 pm

Lots of hallways. Most of my friends have already been in court, but I’m on my way right now. I see a sign posted, saying that J’s trial is over and she was aquitted.

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By Rebecca, April 16, 2008 2:12 pm

One
I’m on a beach. It’s one of the few dreams I’ve had where I was conscious of being trans in the dream. I was worried about being outed, but enjoying being “one of the girls.”

Two
I’m hiking with my mom along a mountain path. There’s a small stream. I ask about a hill to the side and she says it’s to climb in case of flooding. I look back along the path and, sure enough, there’s a straight-out-of-a-movie wave of water coming down the now-swollen stream. I run to get up the hill, but my mom is swept away. I’m suddenly running through the pouring rain down the street of my first house, running inside to get my dad. I’m ten or eleven, but my parents have already gotten divorced.  I throw myself into his arms, crying, and can feel glasses (which I don’t wear in real life) pressing into my forehead.

Three
I’m in some sort of science fiction universe. I’ve been captured by the ‘bad guys’ and tortured. The ‘good guys’ break in and rescue me. A  young child asks if I gave in to the torture and I reply, “I tried so hard not to, but if they want you to, you will.”

Four
I’m on a train with a lot of people about my age. We’re going camping(?) deep in the woods. We arrive at some sort of old, wooden, rundown holding station(?). I don’t think anyone likes me much, I think because I’m trans. Time skips ahead, and I’m being held in the arms of some of the girls, sobbing, because I’ve been raped. They try to comfort me. I wake up, but am still actually sleeping and in another dream.

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By Rebecca, April 15, 2008 4:35 am

“I present myself as and interact with the world as a woman.”

“I, as a woman, present myself and interact with the world.”

What’s the difference between those two sentences?

For a while, I’ve been using the former to describe what transitioning means for me. That is, to move from presenting myself as and interacting with the world as a man to doing so as a woman. But, from a conversation about the origins of gender and their nature as social versus biological constructs, I think I like the phrasing of the latter more: transitioning is, for me, moving from presenting myself as and interacting with the world as a man to, as a woman, presenting myself to and interacting with the world.

The discussion – which was really enjoyable and a good discussion on theories of the origins of gender – made me realize that the sentence I’d been using could be interpreted as meaning the performance of gender is what’s important about the whole thing. The new phrasing, to me, more accurately communicates that my gender expression as “man” was a construct while my gender expression as “woman” is my an assertion of my own identity.

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By Rebecca, April 15, 2008 3:33 am

Setting:
A small office – three desks along three of the walls, each with a computer, various papers, etc. The office was very obviously outfitted (desks, chairs, cabinets, etc) entirely with one massive Ikea shopping trip. The dress and attitude is relatively laid-back – slightly more formal than jeans and a t-shirt, but not quite “business casual.”

Characters:
Lewis – early 20s, relatively androgynous
Angela – early 30s, a dancer
Caroline – early 20s; starts offstage
Susan – mid-50s, very motherly and approachable

Lights up on the office, Lewis, Angela, and Susan are each working at their own desk. This continues for a beat.

LEWIS: [looks at a clock on the wall] Angela, what time are you taking off?

ANGELA: Probably about 2:00.

LEWIS: [slightly raising his voice] Caroline, can you come in here when you have a chance?

CAROLINE: [from offstage] Yeah, I’ll be in in a minute.

LEWIS: Okay. Grab a chair when you come in.

[LEWIS, ANGELA, and SUSAN continue to work until CAROLINE enters, pulling another rolling office chair.]

Continue reading 'Coming out at work'»

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By Rebecca, April 14, 2008 4:39 am

I’ve been emailing more with the friend I was referring to in this post and wanted to follow up on a few things. I’m feeling a lot better about what we’ve been talking about. She’s generally apologized for not being as clear as she might be, specifically about the language of “desiring” to be a woman and about how she mentioned the actress in the piece she’s working on. I, in turn, apologized for getting a little over-defensive. It also does feel good to be able to work things out with a friend and know that, even one of us says something without thinking it out or steps on the other’s toes, we can continue to talk and resolve our differences without flying off the handle.

More from her email, and my response, after the break. Continue reading 'The “drag queen question” (a followup)'»

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By Rebecca, April 12, 2008 10:05 pm

(Blogged backstage during tech…ahh, the wonders of technology.)

A friend of mine is involved in a show about sex and gender, and she emailed me because one of the characters is trans. I said I wasn’t horribly comfortable in being a character study or to hold my experience as representative of ‘the trans experience,’ but would be happy to – more generally – talk about my experience being trans

She said that was fine, and we’ve been emailing back and forth. I mentioned that, in an ideal world, the actor portraying the trans character would actually be trans, unless they were specifically making a commentary on trans identities. I feel like it’s the same thing with casting race or gender normally: if you want to cross-cast someone for race/gender/etc, that’s fine, but it’s a specific choice and makes a statement about the director’s beliefs about race/gender/etc and their mutability or lack thereof. I’m actually about to email her about that, as I sort of have only recently figured out why that was bothering me. Continue reading 'The “drag queen question”'»