Confidence
Comments (0) Where does confidence come from? No, seriously. Where does it come from? One day I am ready to come out to everyone in my life, no matter how fleeting the contact. I’m ready to switch pronouns, names, go in for a million hours of electrolysis, throw out most of my wardrobe and go on a shopping spree, start wearing makeup regularly, the whole nine yards. I’m, miraculously enough, happy with how I look. The next day, I’m embarrassed at the possibility of people seeing my continuously shifting fat distribution, of the hair on my arms (and legs, and everywhere else), by the sound of my voice, the way I sit, myclothingmyhairmybody.
Sometime, it’s something totally unrelated. I’m getting better at realizing what sends me into a spiral of negative thought. A bad day at work, unrelated frustration, whatever. Similarly, feeling good about things completely unrelated to gender or transitioning can give me a boost that makes everything seem positive and achievable. And I’m trying to learn how to harness that, and direct the positive energy while letting the negative wash over me and away.
But, at least for right now, I’m teetering on the edge of something, equally scared of being read as trans and of not.
Themocracy